I am only 25 minutes into this amazing discussion and find myself on the verge of tears and shaking my head, "Yes, yes, yes - this is exactly how this feels". It's been only seven weeks since the tragic loss of my brother, my best friend. He only lived for 13 days after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. With a PhD, you can understand my need to research and figure out what we all, including him, missed. The entire experience was traumatic and I feel I am in the wilderness sometimes with only darkness in front of me and other days where a little sunlight shines through the darkness. My family was worried about my mom who was experiencing cognitive decline, a throat cancer diagnosis with my older brother that turned out well in February, and after being home to celebrate my birthday on March 7th, none of us knew that our other brother had pancreatic cancer all along - what a plot twist and our heads are still spinning. We were all looking in the wrong place. Two weeks later he found out he had literally days to live. What has helped is to not focus on the past or the sadness of a future we'll never have, but remind myself that it is his essence that I can keep present with me at all times. When I start to try and make sense of the senseless, I bring myself back to the present and I can feel him, how he made me feel, his essence is with me right here, right now. I was thinking about all of my children who have been the safe space for me, listening, holding me close without needing to fix me. This is what I am doing with my older brother, who is devasted by our loss and my 92 year old mom who is also trying to navigate all of this. Her generation has no language for grief and I can see she doesn't know whether to run from it or embrace it. Her very strong faith is what keeps her from not wanting to die. I am trying desperately not to make my grief journey a project that I need to get to and check off - us task oriented people can be inclined to do this, but I am pulling back although I've reading so many books now and watched videos and have gone to therapy and am enrolled in a writing course about grief. More than anything I want to understand grief. I want to create a project to honor my brother's life and right after he died, it was the only thing I wanted to do, but I put the brakes on. I will get to it, but I know that I need to surrender to the grief, embrace everything that I am feeling, allow the days when I can't believe this happened to be okay, and the days when I start to feel a little normal again and not feel bad about that - I've removed shame, embarrassment, should be feeling, etc. from my vocabulary. I read a quote yesterday that will be my new mantra: Today is a good day, and I miss you. Yesterday was a bad day, and I missed you. I don't know what tomorrow will look like, but I know that I will miss you. Thank you all so much for your shared enlightenment and giving hearts.
Alexis- what you have been through...I am so sorry for your heartbreak, shock, and the so so sudden physical loss of your dear brother- what a bright creative light. In reading the the WWD article, what comes through is how it seemed like he had such a complete understanding of and ability to express his true self from day one 💜 I can completely understand that sense of shock and overwhelm in the center of your experience right now. I am so impressed with and inspired by the grace and patience you are giving yourself, your willingness to "bear witness" in a kind and open way for your mother and brother, and your natural instinct to find connection with your brother in the present moment. Loss really brings us into the timeless space...and there is alot to be found there amidst the sadness and anguish....I love the quote/mantra. Thank you for sharing that- it could help so many.
Thank you.....I've been a teacher for 30 years and I truly believe in sharing our vulnerability with others, it helps them bare witness to their own pain. Kenny knew early on this is what he wanted to do, from drawing his fashion designs or dressing the Blessed Mother - he was driven. At the end of his life, teaching and mentoring mattered the most and he shared that story about his observation on one of the last days he had the energy to speak. While it was very sudden, I am grateful he did not suffer for weeks or months and he spared all of us, including my 92 year old mom, the pain of watching him slip away. That was indeed a gift. But, still......when I hear my husband say things like, "Are you having a bad day?" and I say, "Yes", and he responds, "Well, you sounded okay earlier, I realize I am supposed to be on a linear path to getting over it - even though it literally just happened eight weeks ago. I also bought your book. Thank you for giving me space to write about Kenny.
You are not on a linear path, you are on a lifetime path. I see it as shaped more curvilinear, like a wave that keeps circling back on itself and the water moves forward just a bit, and sometimes the waves are big and sometimes small and sometimes the water is calm....I wish you peace as you tred the waters of grief. 🙏
Alexis I feel your pain. As a bereaved sister, the pain of losing a sibling is hard to describe. There is so much loss wrapped into that experience — loss of identity, loss of connection, pain of witnessing our parents suffer, the deep sorrow of losing our familial bonds, and so much more. I too found that understanding my grief helped me normalize, not pathologize my experience. I am sending you so much love as you continue down your path. I’m hosting a Grief Cafe on June 16 and you are welcome to join.
So, much for you to process. It'll take time. It takes time. Rest of your life, really.
I like how I hear you giving yourself grace to put the brakes on ... to embrace all you're feeling ... to remove the shame language ... you're doing good (and honorable) work.
I suspect your PhD intellect is going to be tremendously helpful and (not but, but and) at times it will get in the way (ha, laughing at myself and speaking from experience.) Well, whether it helps or doesn't help, it all belongs ... everything belongs.
Thank you. Haha about the PhD.....I swear that Chat GPT and I are best friends now and I swear at some point it was going to tell me to let it go and that I'll never, ever understand. I am the keeping of all of my brother's treasures - he was an amazing fashion designer - and along with hundreds of sketches a broadway musical and a multitude of other keepsakes, I have his phone, his computer and all of his medical records - which was probably the worst thing for me to have as I kept digging and digging. Us researchers like for things to make sense.....and none of this does. Your work is invaluable to us on the grieving journey. But, like working on my PhD which I literally fought tooth and nail (I was 59 when I earned it), this process, like that one, if embraced, will reap rewards I did not know I was capable of achieving. And that is how the PhD helps - the reflective practice and critical thinking and kicking and screaming to ultimately become a more fully human being with my brother ever present in me.
Yup. That feels about right. Kicking. Screaming. Raging --- until our pain disolves into something ... different. And that something different changes over time. I love that you are sharing that you feel your brother is ever present in you. I would love to know his name.
I also have an email list of close to 2000 and I sent this note the other day. I received countless notes from people telling me how much these words about grief meant to them = https://ckarchive.com/b/75u7h8h6m9q25t6rgg7rlawzr9r66fn
He wholeheartedly believe that, Dina. Everytime I read this article, I tear up because it just reminds me that he is not here. And I do realize just how lucky I was to have him all of these years - I just miss him so much. Thank you.
I want to thank each of you for sharing parts of your ongoing stories and reflections around grief and for honoring what you continue to carry in relation to it. I was especially moved by the idea of reorienting ourselves to forms of grief and loss that don’t fully heal, and learning how to stay engaged with life, finding joy, connection and meaning alongside what remains within us and with those around us.
To me, you’re touching on something profoundly human that the self-help genre often overlooks, simply doesn’t know how to hold or worse purposefully ignores. How do we make sense of who we are in relation to our pain and suffering—and what do we do with the parts of ourselves and our experiences we sometimes wish weren’t there?
And I think your right in naming the spectrum that goes from "overlooks - doesn't know how to hold - purposely ignores."
Our typical systems, whether political, religious, or psychological just haven't evolved enough (yet), to help people see that there is no getting away from our pain and suffering ... but there is a way forward with them. Ha, which is both challenging and good news.
Thank you for this helpful and insightful talk about grief. Jonathan Foster, Dina Bell-Laroche and Leslie all shared their own heartfelt grief journeys. Thank you for the opportunity to participate!
Thank you Dr. B. I loved the session and hope to do more of these gatherings. When we share our stories, we all heal.
I am only 25 minutes into this amazing discussion and find myself on the verge of tears and shaking my head, "Yes, yes, yes - this is exactly how this feels". It's been only seven weeks since the tragic loss of my brother, my best friend. He only lived for 13 days after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. With a PhD, you can understand my need to research and figure out what we all, including him, missed. The entire experience was traumatic and I feel I am in the wilderness sometimes with only darkness in front of me and other days where a little sunlight shines through the darkness. My family was worried about my mom who was experiencing cognitive decline, a throat cancer diagnosis with my older brother that turned out well in February, and after being home to celebrate my birthday on March 7th, none of us knew that our other brother had pancreatic cancer all along - what a plot twist and our heads are still spinning. We were all looking in the wrong place. Two weeks later he found out he had literally days to live. What has helped is to not focus on the past or the sadness of a future we'll never have, but remind myself that it is his essence that I can keep present with me at all times. When I start to try and make sense of the senseless, I bring myself back to the present and I can feel him, how he made me feel, his essence is with me right here, right now. I was thinking about all of my children who have been the safe space for me, listening, holding me close without needing to fix me. This is what I am doing with my older brother, who is devasted by our loss and my 92 year old mom who is also trying to navigate all of this. Her generation has no language for grief and I can see she doesn't know whether to run from it or embrace it. Her very strong faith is what keeps her from not wanting to die. I am trying desperately not to make my grief journey a project that I need to get to and check off - us task oriented people can be inclined to do this, but I am pulling back although I've reading so many books now and watched videos and have gone to therapy and am enrolled in a writing course about grief. More than anything I want to understand grief. I want to create a project to honor my brother's life and right after he died, it was the only thing I wanted to do, but I put the brakes on. I will get to it, but I know that I need to surrender to the grief, embrace everything that I am feeling, allow the days when I can't believe this happened to be okay, and the days when I start to feel a little normal again and not feel bad about that - I've removed shame, embarrassment, should be feeling, etc. from my vocabulary. I read a quote yesterday that will be my new mantra: Today is a good day, and I miss you. Yesterday was a bad day, and I missed you. I don't know what tomorrow will look like, but I know that I will miss you. Thank you all so much for your shared enlightenment and giving hearts.
Alexis- what you have been through...I am so sorry for your heartbreak, shock, and the so so sudden physical loss of your dear brother- what a bright creative light. In reading the the WWD article, what comes through is how it seemed like he had such a complete understanding of and ability to express his true self from day one 💜 I can completely understand that sense of shock and overwhelm in the center of your experience right now. I am so impressed with and inspired by the grace and patience you are giving yourself, your willingness to "bear witness" in a kind and open way for your mother and brother, and your natural instinct to find connection with your brother in the present moment. Loss really brings us into the timeless space...and there is alot to be found there amidst the sadness and anguish....I love the quote/mantra. Thank you for sharing that- it could help so many.
Thank you.....I've been a teacher for 30 years and I truly believe in sharing our vulnerability with others, it helps them bare witness to their own pain. Kenny knew early on this is what he wanted to do, from drawing his fashion designs or dressing the Blessed Mother - he was driven. At the end of his life, teaching and mentoring mattered the most and he shared that story about his observation on one of the last days he had the energy to speak. While it was very sudden, I am grateful he did not suffer for weeks or months and he spared all of us, including my 92 year old mom, the pain of watching him slip away. That was indeed a gift. But, still......when I hear my husband say things like, "Are you having a bad day?" and I say, "Yes", and he responds, "Well, you sounded okay earlier, I realize I am supposed to be on a linear path to getting over it - even though it literally just happened eight weeks ago. I also bought your book. Thank you for giving me space to write about Kenny.
You are not on a linear path, you are on a lifetime path. I see it as shaped more curvilinear, like a wave that keeps circling back on itself and the water moves forward just a bit, and sometimes the waves are big and sometimes small and sometimes the water is calm....I wish you peace as you tred the waters of grief. 🙏
Alexis I feel your pain. As a bereaved sister, the pain of losing a sibling is hard to describe. There is so much loss wrapped into that experience — loss of identity, loss of connection, pain of witnessing our parents suffer, the deep sorrow of losing our familial bonds, and so much more. I too found that understanding my grief helped me normalize, not pathologize my experience. I am sending you so much love as you continue down your path. I’m hosting a Grief Cafe on June 16 and you are welcome to join.
https://dinabelllaroche.substack.com/t/grief-cafes
Thank you, Dina. I think I have this on my calendar. I did read a great book about losing your brother or sister and it really did help.
Alexis, goodness ... so sorry.
So, much for you to process. It'll take time. It takes time. Rest of your life, really.
I like how I hear you giving yourself grace to put the brakes on ... to embrace all you're feeling ... to remove the shame language ... you're doing good (and honorable) work.
I suspect your PhD intellect is going to be tremendously helpful and (not but, but and) at times it will get in the way (ha, laughing at myself and speaking from experience.) Well, whether it helps or doesn't help, it all belongs ... everything belongs.
Thanks for your comments and for sharing.
Virtual hug.
Thank you. Haha about the PhD.....I swear that Chat GPT and I are best friends now and I swear at some point it was going to tell me to let it go and that I'll never, ever understand. I am the keeping of all of my brother's treasures - he was an amazing fashion designer - and along with hundreds of sketches a broadway musical and a multitude of other keepsakes, I have his phone, his computer and all of his medical records - which was probably the worst thing for me to have as I kept digging and digging. Us researchers like for things to make sense.....and none of this does. Your work is invaluable to us on the grieving journey. But, like working on my PhD which I literally fought tooth and nail (I was 59 when I earned it), this process, like that one, if embraced, will reap rewards I did not know I was capable of achieving. And that is how the PhD helps - the reflective practice and critical thinking and kicking and screaming to ultimately become a more fully human being with my brother ever present in me.
Yup. That feels about right. Kicking. Screaming. Raging --- until our pain disolves into something ... different. And that something different changes over time. I love that you are sharing that you feel your brother is ever present in you. I would love to know his name.
Thank you, Dina. Kenneth Bonavitacola. He was very, very special and loved by many. A loss on so many levels. Women's Wear Daily wrote a beautiful tribute to him on the day he died. https://wwd.com/eye/people/kenny-bonavitacola-dead-new-york-fashion-designer-1237073563/
I just read it. My fav line is what you shared: "Let them dream and do what they really want to do." That made me smile :).
I also have an email list of close to 2000 and I sent this note the other day. I received countless notes from people telling me how much these words about grief meant to them = https://ckarchive.com/b/75u7h8h6m9q25t6rgg7rlawzr9r66fn
He wholeheartedly believe that, Dina. Everytime I read this article, I tear up because it just reminds me that he is not here. And I do realize just how lucky I was to have him all of these years - I just miss him so much. Thank you.
I want to thank each of you for sharing parts of your ongoing stories and reflections around grief and for honoring what you continue to carry in relation to it. I was especially moved by the idea of reorienting ourselves to forms of grief and loss that don’t fully heal, and learning how to stay engaged with life, finding joy, connection and meaning alongside what remains within us and with those around us.
To me, you’re touching on something profoundly human that the self-help genre often overlooks, simply doesn’t know how to hold or worse purposefully ignores. How do we make sense of who we are in relation to our pain and suffering—and what do we do with the parts of ourselves and our experiences we sometimes wish weren’t there?
Thank you.
And I think your right in naming the spectrum that goes from "overlooks - doesn't know how to hold - purposely ignores."
Our typical systems, whether political, religious, or psychological just haven't evolved enough (yet), to help people see that there is no getting away from our pain and suffering ... but there is a way forward with them. Ha, which is both challenging and good news.
Thank you for this helpful and insightful talk about grief. Jonathan Foster, Dina Bell-Laroche and Leslie all shared their own heartfelt grief journeys. Thank you for the opportunity to participate!
It was wonderful to have amazing people join us. It was my first LIVE and it won't be the last.
I'll be at your next too!
thank you, Julie
Leslie Palumbo